Apostatize!

by Brooks Strause

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credits

released January 23, 2010

written by Brooks Strause
produced by Paleo and Brooks Strause
engineered and mixed by Paleo
recorded at futureappletree in Davenport, IA
mastered by Landon Strause at Birds of Paradise in Traer, IA

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Brooks Strause Iowa City, Iowa

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Track Name: That's Why I'm Smiling
A little girl pushes a boy into the mud while a man's fight with his woman ends in blood, but what difference does it make? We only take what we can take and there is no sin in the world worse than whining. I've seen how it can go; I know some shit some folks don't know and that's why I'm smiling. The fear of God is there to hold the line. You will get what's yours and I will get what's mine. And people do what they can do, but doing nothing's alright, too, because you'll never see God while the sun is shining. And sometimes all I can stand is knowing someday this will end and that's why I'm smiling. Are you having a good time? Do you even know it when you're not? Be aware of the angles and of the sides and where they lie. Before you ask for what you want, know what you've got. There's only one thing I know not to be a lie: Every person in this world deserves to die. And that isn't sad at all, it's just the way we chose to fall and no cloud has ever had a silver lining. And soon when I am dead, all I will have is what I've said and that's why I'm smiling.
Track Name: The Question
What are you doing and what do you want? Why do you do it and what have you got? You are changing your mind. How did it happen and how did it go? What did they tell you and what do you know? You are changing your mind. The parting of flesh, then dripping, a new creature comes. Potential made true, the new thing is not what it was, reaching toward something it will never touch and it knows. Where have you come from and where have you gone? How do you get off and what are on? You are changing your mind. The parting of flesh, then dripping, a new creature comes. Potential mad true, the new thing is not what it was, reaching toward something it will never touch and it knows. There really is something coming. Someday you'll remember. The good times never happened. Time just pissed itself away. You knew it once and you'll know it again and again and again.
Track Name: Ugly Dreamer
In my dreams she is looking up and calling down the water, open eyes, set free, prepared to finish what she started. And all that remains is the folded hand. A grain of salt in a pile of sand. Guiltless girl bound in brittle rope, braided desires never sated. No longer is she impetuously driven to escape it and all that remains is the rainy day. A silver pin in a bale of hay. And you don't ever mistake the certain for the hopeful. You want a pool of blood but you'd be happy with a couple of tears for our fallen peers. All that should will end. It's the nature of this temporary madness. God give me the grace to turn my back and hear her fall into the abyss. And all that remains is the hole in her head. A drop of wine in a river bed. And you don't ever mistake the certain for the hopeful. You want a pool of blood but you'd be happy with a couple of tears for our fallen peers. That candy-colored clown will hold you under until you drown and as you are sinking down, you will sing, "Baby, maybe I'm never allowed to be happy as everyone I've had or maybe has had me. I sense a great distance between my emotion and those I have promised undying devotion. The ones that I held dear inside now have left me and no one I wanted to keep ever kept me. I'm losing it now, but I want you to know. I was losing my grip, but I never let go." In my dreams she is looking up and calling down the water, open eyes, set free, prepared to finish what she started. And all that remains is the folded hand. A grain of salt in a pile of sand.
Track Name: The Great Manipulator
Here he comes: The great manipulator. Here he comes: The beggar who deals. He'll set you on his knee and then he'll set you free and then he'll make you feel how he feels. The prince of the letters down, the captain of the messers around, under the weight of his crown was pulled to the bottom and drowned. And here he comes: The great manipulator. Here he comes: The beggar who deals. He'll set you on his knee and then he'll set you free and then he'll make you feel how he feels. The head of the hangers out, the chief of the thinkers aloud, out of bullshit to complain about, is staring blankly at the crowd. Here he comes: The great appreciator. Here he comes: The insect with bones. He'll show you the way then forget what to say and he'll give you everything he owns. Here he comes: The great exaggerator. Here he comes: The finder of brains. He picks you apart and then he breaks your heart and the creature consumes your remains. Here he comes: The great manipulator. Here he comes: The beggar who deals. He'll set you on his knee and then he'll set you free and then he'll make you feel how he feels.
Track Name: Sing King
Sing king, open arms, he lies or hangs in silhouette depending how you see. Wide-eyed, his jaw hangs, milky spheres protrude. Those eyes are reaching out for me. My son is dead. I thought it was alright but I was wrong. My son is dead. I hardly said goodbye and he was gone. Doorway, chosen fate. You would think the horror stops where salvation begins. Stairway shadows writhe, and he is down there rotting, he is paying for our sins. My son is dead. I thought it was alright but I was wrong. My son is dead. I hardly said goodbye and he was gone. Daylight, please return. A second taken grieving is a God-damned waste of time. Firelight, take us all. Each will suffer greatly for this sacrifice of mine. You're killing me, boy. You can bleed into this. My son is dead. I thought it was alright but I was wrong. My son is dead. I hardly said goodbye and he was gone.
Track Name: Blessing
May you always sleep with the shadows of better men. May the blood always flow freely from your pen. May you only ever kiss when you are kissed. And may your death be soon enough that you are missed. There are vultures watching over you and they pray for a good time and that someday you will rid yourself of the ambitions in your mind. Oh. May you always be this sure of what you are. May you cut your roots and move yourself too far. May you stop offending before you have been warned. And may your death be soon enough that you are mourned. There are vultures watching over you and they pray for perfect eyes and that you'll retain the skill to tell the most believable lies. Oh. May the end come unannounced and unwelcomed. May the reaper be as cruel as he is handsome. May you remember in it every harsh word you have spoken. And may the pain last long enough that you are broken.
Track Name: The Fall
I don't believe life is precious. I don't believe life is good. Show me a man who wouldn't stab his best friend for a buck and I will show you a million who would. And all over the world the golden bullshit is piled high. Ignorant dreams cut crooked lines through the sky. But they'll fall, the buildings all will fall, and we'll find ourselves in a garden, not even knowing we were ever lost at all. I do believe there is an answer that I don't believe we deserve. All are reluctant to think or to speak or to act but all are endlessly eager to serve. And the man upstairs thinks that he is more important than you. Because he has the privilege of deciding what other people can do. But he'll fall, the masters all will fall, and we'll find ourselves in a garden, not even knowing we were ever lost at all. And a school is a prison is an office is a tomb. You don't get any last supper, just go to your room. Hearts, guts, feet, and fingers were all built to roam, but they won't tell you that, they don't want you going home. So just keep your eye out for carrots on strings and listen very carefully when that fat fucker sings. Then we'll fall, the human race will fall, and we'll find ourselves in a garden, not even knowing we were ever lost at all.
Track Name: Wanderlust and Temporary Toads
Mayflies in May. The fledglings pray today's the day they'll fly away. Wanderlust take me if you must. Rising sun let my work be done. June bugs in June blot out the moon. The insects croon, "It happens soon." Wanderlust take me if you must. Rising sun let my work be done. Temporary toads pave grudge-holding roads. Try to stay put and be flattened underfoot. Oh no! Returned gift from God spoiled by the spared rod. Try to do right and be a victim of the night. Oh no! Prayers gone up in smoke. Hope until you choke. Try and try and try and be rewarded when you die. Oh no! Temporary toads pave grudge-holding roads. Try to stay put and be flattened underfoot. Kill yourself with kindness. You don't need forgiveness.
Track Name: Love Spoil
I just want a little kiss, nothing too serious, just to light a little fire behind me. Out of the corner of your eye, whispering a pleasant ivory lie, next to you in the dark you will find me. I've seen love spoil faster than does the innocence of youth, quicker than does the purity of truth, swift as a hand. Your blood will boil, and your heart will pound like a hammer, and you will shudder/shutter like a camera right where we stand. I just want a little touch, if that ain't asking too much. It's been so long since I felt everything. I've never seen no one like you. It sounds like bullshit but it's true. Your tongue is silent but your figure sings. I've seen love spoil faster than does the innocence of youth, quicker than does the purity of truth, swift as a hand. Your blood will boil, and your heart will pound like a hammer, and you will shudder/shutter like a camera right where we stand. And maybe that's something poetic, maybe something profound. Me, I prefer my feet on the ground or both of our feets under some covers dancing. But I think it is pathetic or maybe a joke. I think that love is a lie God spoke when Adam and Eve first were glancing at the fruit on the tree and now, baby, so are we, but me, I can take it or leave it.
Track Name: Go Away Little Monster
Go away little monster. There's nothing for you here. The bewilderment in my head has not yet given into fear. Go back into the woods and leave me be. For if you keep tugging on this string you'll release the latent thing inside me. Go away malevolent beast. Take your terror back outside. I have seen your shadowed face and I have no intent to hide. Go screaming lies through someone else's dream. For though this may be a fragile mind, there's nothing more to find inside me. Go away little monster you know the night will soon be gone. Forget about the face that this damp blanket's resting on. Go back into the dark and don't return and may your evil soul forever rot and burn.
Track Name: Green Eyes
You're ill, but the night is still. It lights, it burns, and the feeling returns. Breathe deep, remember, you are asleep. It calms, it mends, until the nightmare ends. It's so pretty. It's so patient. Gaze into green eyes and you'll feel better, baby. Now gaze into green eyes and you'll be like a child outside in the wild. Bleached skull and the pain is dulled. It smokes, it glows, over the truth it shows. Time stops and your defense drops. It soothes, it heals, the wounds it reveals. It's so ready it's so faithful. Gaze into green eyes and you'll feel better, baby. Now gaze into green eyes and you'll be like a child outside in the wild. Higher: It wants to take you higher. And it'll all be ashes anyway.
Track Name: The Solution
There's nothing left for you to understand except you've got to get out of here as soon as you can. There are lies in your head and frightening creatures surround you. You'd be much better off dead than if the monsters found you. The greedy pray for ever-lasting life. Better to go when you're ripe. And there is nothing wrong with being dead and when you've had enough, cut off your head. You've been long enough to know it's right because this vessel's not for toil. No, it is meant for flight. Life will force you to see the head it's all coming down to, so now, set your soul free from the anchor it is bound to. And be assured you will know when it's time to sever your heart from your mind. And there is nothing wrong with being dead so when you've got to go cut off your head. So baby, know this grift began with your conception and that this world does not allow for true perception. You will never find rest sleeping in a bed. You will find it in a sepulchre instead so when you're ready to sleep cut off your head.
Track Name: Funeral Direction
Don't be sad when I die. Just sing a song for me and say goodbye. I have moved on and will continue moving on. Nothing ever really ends. Even if it did, it would make no difference. I will truly be alive when I am gone. I have seen myself so closely I no longer need to pray. I have said so much but still discover things I need to say and when all is said and done, I know I will just go away. It is coming and I look forward to the day. Don't be sad when I die. Just sing a song for me and say goodbye. I have moved on and will continue moving on. Nothing ever really ends. Even if it did, it would make no difference. I will truly be alive when I am gone. If I am lucky, I will rise into the dawn. If I am lucky, I will sing into the sea. If I am lucky, I will crawl into the woods and no one will find me. In the face of death, you must always remember: Everything and nothing lasts forever. The human mind can't comprehend what waits for us beyond, but we will truly be alive when we are gone.